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Sep. 1st, 2009

It's been a month. I'm still broken.

The full story

So the genetic counselling, amnio and ultrasound were on Thursday. Ultrasound looked great, amnio was unpleasant but without any complications, everything seemed good. We decided we would pay for the quick test, as it does give you the results for the most likely culprit, Trisomy 21.

Went home, rested, got the call that afternoon. Down's.

Because everything else had looked so positive, they needed to conduct a second test. This time, it was CVS, an even more unpleasant test than the amnio. I think I nearly poor Rich's hand during the procedure. The worst bit was actually having the big screen come up with the ultrasound picture of the baby while working out where to pierce me. Needless to say I burst into tears again, and then just shut my eyes until the whole thing was over. The pain was a useful distraction at that point.

So I'm waiting on the results of that today or tomorrow. Although, the chances of a false-positive from the first test are pretty much negligible. This is just a hoop we have to go through.

We also have our counselling session tomorrow before going back to the doctor. Then, they can send me to the hospital.

Which I hope answers the question that you might be asking. We will not be keeping the baby. I know some of you will disagree with that, but we do have our reasons, and I hope you respect that at this point the last thing I need is judgement. Maybe I'll be open to discussing it at a later date, but not now.

I'm off work for the week and honestly I just feel like everything is in limbo.

Big needles

Tomorrow is the amnio, which is quite terrifying. Rich is coming in with me to hold my hand: it will be his first appointment, so, apart from watching me freeze up in fear of the humungous needle entering my belly, I’m sure it will be a kick for him to actually see an ultrasound. Which is good, because he’s been a bit down recently. I might go into more detail about that at some point, but it’s quite complex, so not today. He did manage to make me laugh about it last night, imagining Phist behaving like the cats when you taunt them with something long and thin - grab with teeth and attack with paws!

The doctor was being a bit difficult with me when I suggested going straight to the amnio without any other tests, and she mentioned me having to pay for it. Everything I’ve read up until this point says my age qualifies me for having it completely covered, so I hope she isn’t somehow screwing me over on this (damn you language barrier!) I can live with a contribution of a couple of hundred euros, but if I get stuck with the full 950 € bill, I’m going to freak out (how nice of the clinic’s website to list all of their prices, though – I thought that was very user friendly!)

Anyway, I’m scared. Wish me luck.


The only picture the doctor choose to give me last visit was one of the baby's head and a lovely shot of its fist looming out of the darkness. We've also been watching a tv show where one of the character's names is Fist, so that's what it's getting called for the time being. Except that Rich wants to call it Phist, in honour of his Grandma Phred (another story.)

I'm beginning to hit that point where I go to put on a pair of pants and discover those ones don't fit any more. I have my eye on a skirt or two already...

Oh, and my blood pressure is even lower than last time: 85/50. How am I even upright?

12w3d aka Rosemary's Baby

I had my second appointment today. Apparently my baby is wilful and camera-shy, so if there was any question about the paternity, there's your confirmation right there. Try as she might, the doctor just could not get a side of view, because every time she tried, the baby would decide to move away. At one point, she just held the "thingy" in position and we watched the monster throw itself around for a bit. I think I'm getting scared...

She also thinks I'm one week further along than we have down. Which is impossible: she saw the temp graph last time, saw the "clear ovulation". I obviously didn't think I needed to take it along a second time.


Penelope is off the table as a potential girl’s name. I wrote it down for my assistant and asked her pronounce it, as a German. She made two attempts, neither of which sounded anything like the way we’d say Penelope in English. Bugger.

P-Day (10w2d)

So, we've sent our emails to our respective parents with the 7 week blob scan. The in-laws are here for a few days in early July, so we thought we'd better not spring it on them while they're here. Of course, we have no idea when they'll check their email in either case, so who knows when the call will come. I say "call" in the singular, because apparently my parents don't know how to dial my phone number. If I haven't heard anything by the weekend, I'll call them. As I always do.

(It's an interesting and unexpected side-effect of the pregnancy. I've recently become quite bitter about my upbringing - something I went through in my early teens, and then got over (or so I thought). I just can't imagine how anyone could be so distant with their own children. It is beyond my comprehension.)
Fuck off, heartburn. Just fuck off!


My first appointment is tomorrow, which is kind of exciting. We’re trying to work out a schedule of when to tell people (family, friends, work), so getting a plan from the doctor might help with some of the decision-making. Health-wise, I’m doing well. I’ve developed a little more discipline around eating small and regular including breakfast, which seems to have pretty much cleared up the small amount of nausea I had. Cramping a lot less, which is probably also a beneficial side effect of the smaller meals and more deliberate attempt to get a lot of fibre in my diet. Boobs are still big, but hurting a lot less. And I’ve actually been exercising. All-in-all, I feel fit. I seem to have already put on 0.6kg, but I think that’s okay. Spent some money on new tracky dacks last night ;) I might need to get somethin a bit looser for work already though - it's fine if it's hot; I've got quite a few loose options in summer clothes, but anything a bit warmer also tends to be tight already. Obviously the 2kg I put on before getting pregnant aren't helping...